Tim Burton has hit one out of the park again! Where is that motherfucker’s Oscar?! Alice In Wonderland kicked royal ass (Mia Wasikowska is positively lovely), and here’s the gist of it- don’t care if this spoils it- Alice escapes her huffy mother, oblivious sister, and slutty Edwardian Era Bobbsey Twins from getting hitched to Lord Piggish Ascot to follow the waistcoated White Rabbit (Michael Sheen) down the hole to Wonderland (or in the early version of Carroll’s tale “Underland” taken from the original title Alice’s Adventures Underground). She tries every door, drinks, eats, shrinks, grows, and ends up in sweet Stella McCartney outfits (I WANT THEM!). Nevertheless she’s convinced this is the dream she’s been having for the last 13 years.
The Dormouse (Barbara Windsor), Dee & Dum (Matt Lucas), the Dodo (Michael Gogh) are somewhat convinced that she’s “the right Alice” so they bring her to the Caterpillar, Absolem (Alan Rickman), and sitting atop his toadstool nearly invisible from his hookah’s fumes announces, “She’s hardly Alice”. He unfurls the Oraculum sketched by Tenniel himself where Alice is foretold slaying the Jabberwocky (Christopher Lee) on the Frabjous Day- callooh callay!- delivering Wonderland from the evil clutches of the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) and her deceitful knave of hearts Stayne (Crispin Glover at his sexiest!) back to the dottily tender loving care of her younger sister, the White Queen (Anne Hathaway).
Finding herself at at tea party in the company of the schizophrenic Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), the histrionic March Hare (Paul Whitehouse), and, of course the passive-aggressive Dormouse Alice is told of the Red Queen’s bloody coup, and then is delivered via air hat to the Red Queen’s castle. She loves the slimy Stayne, hates animals, children, and because of her gigantic head demands that her loyal subjects must show a display of ugliness to keep their own heads from rolling. Alice infiltrates the RQ’s castle and is determined to get the Hatter freed from prison and steal back WQ’s Vorpal Sword that is hidden in the house of dreadful Bandersnatch.
Well after returning the Bandersnatch’s eye (plucked out by the plucky Dormouse) he gives her the key to the Vorpal Sword’s chest and away they go to the WQ’s castle of cherry blossoms, demolished kitchens, and Persian pajama sets. The Cheshire Cat (Steven Fry) breaks out Hatter and Dormouse in time for the great battle of Frabjous Day on the chessboard square betwixt the two queens’ domains where Alice reluctantly accepts her fate as the WQ (really Wonderland’s champion) and clashes with the Jabberwocky in armor that could be suited for Joan of Arc herself. Six impossible things later, Alice dashes to the top of an aging tower, remembers her time in Wonderland and beheads the Jabberwocky.
RQ’s playing card army lays down their arms, WQ gets her crown back, and banishes big sis and Stayne to the Outlands. Then Alice takes a sip of the Jabberwocky’s blood after bidding farewell to her dear Hatter goes back to the garden party, tells Piggish to fuck off, tears down the Bobbsey Twins, asks her spinster Aunt Imogene to get some help (from Dr. Freud most likely considering the timeline), and she’ll be watching her adulterous brother-in-law, then convinces her late father’s old business partner to set out for Hong Kong where Alice starts her apprenticeship never forgetting her dear friends in Wonderland.
And some dumbass ghetto whore says it wasn’t nearly as good as Avatar… People have some serious problems with creativity.
Afterward my best friend Kaye and I along with Joel and Mack set out to Chipotle, some Tex-Mex fast food place that gave me a major headache (although food sensitivity seems to be a recent problem with me but the bright-ass florescent lights and blasting pop music just added to the problem). I got the vegetarian burrito bowl and that dumbfuck Mack called it “puny”. I had no idea at how much weight Kaye gained! Though most of the bloating comes from the drink. And those two assholes couldn’t stop drooling over the sight of her ever enlarging tits! She’s picking up some extra scratch doing everybody’s taxes, but the fifty we gave her just won’t go for the online filing. She’ll be stocking up on vodka and rum. I want to help, but I know I can’t, I’m sickened by her being drunk, and just want to dump her because of it.
I know it’s bad and an economic turnaround is far fucking off, but I really need away from these ghetto motherfuckers! I love my best friend and always will, but change is hard to come by for poor folks- and at least she has a degree, I have nothing. But I need to get myself moving if I want to get away from these idiots. I’m dodging Joel and Mack because I want to avoid going to their houses, Joel has a sprog and as you know being CF, babies sicken me. Mack can’t stop looking at my boobs despite the fact that I wear huge black sweaters and a man’s bubble jacket. I have made myself clear: I don’t date friends! So he’s backed off and looked for other women to knock up and marry. He’s balding, doesn’t have a real job, and lives in the fucking ghetto. Yeah, that’s a desirable spouse.
So until Kaye’s mother crashes and burns allowing Kaye to exterminate the bedbugs, disinfect the apartment, and get shit fixed, I will only be hanging out with her online, outdoors, and she can come over here… so she can help me with the FA shit and I can get myself back into school to finish it and get busy with my library sciences master’s degree coursework that will keep me busy and away from them so a slow alienation can build up. I hope to get some real writing done and that makes me hopeful for a little artistic and financial success which will further my goals of moving away to never come back.
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