If you watch The Simpsons (or remember when it was truly great), you’ll recall Helen Lovejoy’s plea, “Won’t somebody think of the children?” I just had what must have been the 3rd voicemail reminder from the local middle school reminding parents to submit the order forms for the cookie sale the school just had. Which brings me to the Lovejoyean point: I am quite surprised that teachers or administrators fail to see the somewhat hypocritical nature of these fundraising ventures. Picture this: the student comes home with this catalog of ‘gourmet’ cookie dough and pizza mix that you are sort of strong-armed into buying. I use the term ’strong-armed’ because the classrooms will have this unnecessary scoreboard that tallies the sales of this crap per student. If your child’s name is near the bottom of this thermometer looking thing, then they expect a little guilt and shame to loosen the wallets. I guess it’s okay to teach students about the ‘eat or be eaten’ philosophy this early. I’m not a teacher after all. So yeah, right there you have this superfluous competition. Yet at the same time, the school districts and the local governments proudly announce that they’re cutting back the availability of junk food on campus while the big government informs us that we are still grossly overweight, yet they the schools turn around and force the kids to sell – that’s right, you’re learning – cookie dough and pizza mix. By the way, the stuff that these organizations are hawking is ridiculous. A tube of dough that makes up less than two dozen cookies* lists close to $10 and the pizza stuff cooks up the equivalent of a small Tony’s pepperoni that I can find in the freezer at Dillons for less than $2. So all this profiteering goes back to the schools (right?) and yet we have kids who spell ’skills’ with a freaking ‘z’ at the end. Is it just me?
*Purchased cookies are stale and hard. Fresh cookies are soft and chewy. Science has now perfected the fresh stale cookie.
Remember when we started the slouch towards Iraq and many questioned why the Bush daughters couldn’t enlist and put on a uniform (sans underwear cuz that’s how they roll)? I do. I’m sure they do too, but you know, after a few pitchers of Mai Tai’s… The underlying message at that time was that of a certain elitism. My well-to-do kids versus your so-so kids. Well, Barack Obama had his George Bush moment last week. Did you catch it? It was a little subliminal but the message was there. Some kids are more important than your kids. Late last week you had the White House declaring that swine flu was ‘an epidemic’ and a national emergency. You had Sibelius literally pounding the podium with her Manolo demanding that everyone should get innoculated immediately. Lost in all this was the fact that less than 1000 people have died from the flu. Even more lost was the fact that the actual immunizations kill more people than the flu itself. Lost in all this was why weren’t Malia and Sasha innoculated? Still waiting for that change…
Long-term mobile phone users could face a higher risk of developing cancer in later life, according to a decade-long study. The report, to be published later this year, has reportedly found that heavy mobile phone use is linked to brain tumors. The survey of 12,800 people in 13 countries has been overseen by the World Health Organization.
Think about it. Who is at risk here? Practically the entire spectrum of the truly useless. Coked-out starlets, reality show douchebags, lawyers, Wall Street executives walking on eggshells hoping that their million dollar office doesn’t get reported, Kardashians, rappers, drug dealers, Ashton Kutcher. Goddamn! Meanwhile, the useful professionals such as doctors, writers, hobos, painters, garbagemen and prostitutes will not suffer one iota. My eyes are tearing up here.
Genius. Absolute genius.
Take Star Wars, cut it up into 15 second increments. Then allow the general public to recreate in any medium the 15 second scene. What? You don’t have a Princess Leia wig? Don’t sweat it – an old set of headphones will suffice. You can’t reproduce the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon? Hey, the driver and passenger seats of your Tercel will work just fine. Need a Jabba The Hutt? Ask that guy that plays WoW all day in his mom’s basement.
Go to http://www.starwarsuncut.com and put in your proverbial 2 cents. It’s far far better than Spaceballs or that Thumb Wars crap.
Can't be any worse than Attack of the Clones.
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